A posse of mixed ability skiers tooled into Argentiere to indulge in some seasonal snowsports. Argentiere was sold to the novice skiers as an excellent resort for beginners, this on the basis of one blue run and no greens whatsoever. They arrived in the Chamonix valley to a disappointing covering of snow but an exceptionally well appointed chalet. Andy and Miles ummed and ahed about a positive weather report and ruminated on Miles’s enormous fuel bill having piloted his 4wd Subaru at breakneck speed from Calais. Nick, Clare and Cheryl booked lessons with ESF (Exorbitant, Superficial, Fraudulent) and rented a collection of composite planks and painful boots. Jane and Phil showed up in the evening and boasted of driving down in their diesel using less fuel than a moped going down to the shops (as long as the shops are in Karachi).

The first ski lessons started on Sunday and the bad (ie good) weather forecast was coming true so we were blasted by intermittent flurries of snow. Further blasts were heard from the nursery pistes (or the nearest thing to it in Argentiere) where Nick was sliding around on his snowboard with all the elegance of a standard lamp riveted to a floorboard. Despite this he persevered in the afternoon and could be seen for many hours plodding up the slope and skittering down time and again. Clare and Cheryl’s instructor had all the wit and charm of the crusty old lush from the Cointreau commercial but fortunately better skiing ability. Miles and Andy felt too timid to try the graded pistes and so minced around on some weird area called ‘Hors de Piste’. In the evening Miles showed off his culinary skills by cooking an excellent Melanzone Parmigiana*. Jane and Phil had decided on a multinational holiday and so had sugared off to Cervinia achieving the journey in 90 minutes (a new record for Diesel Hatchbacks ) no doubt aided by the weight saving of 37 grammes on each of Jane’s new touring bindings.

(* Delia Smith, Simple But Tasty page 73, £2.99)

The next morning the Argentiere contingent woke up to greet a huge dump. Miles and Andy (keen to show off the snow driving capability of the car) slipped of at dawn to Courmayeur where they experienced hot chocolate the consistency of marmite and empty queueless slopes. Nick persevered on his snowboard with a new instructor but a similar amount of effing and blinding while Clare and Cheryl continued their stately progress with Maurice Chevalier’s handsome younger brother. Jane and Phil continued their diverse distractions in Cervinia. In the evening the standard 3 bottles of wine were accompanied by boiled sausages.

On Tuesday they woke to a slightly smaller dump. In order to get one jump ahead of the queue at the cable car station great efforts had been made to get there as the ticket office opened at 8.30. However such commitment was not rewarded because the ticket office delayed their opening until 9.30. By this time the queue had built up to an enormous seething mob and only the robust crowd control measures (something the French have always excelled at) implemented by a platoon of hefty pisteurs prevented a repeat of the 1968 student riots. The delay was caused by the manager of the ticket office picking that morning to rejig all the computers with new lift tariffs. Nick eventually greeted yet another new instructor who showed yet another method of turning the snowboard. In the evening the Argentiere contingent went out for an excellent meal where foie gras and other examples of politically incorrect yet tasty fare were imbibed with gusto.

Wednesday was Christmas Eve. Finally Nick had the same instructor two days in a row and so finally got some continuous instruction. Andy saw Cheryl skiing and texted her as follows : “Saw you on the red route. Skiing like a bag of spuds”. This was obviously received with deep dismay by Cheryl until Andy finally dug himself out of the hole by explaining that what he meant that he had been skiing in the manner of the container of tubers. Another of Andy’s more inexplicable quotes was “Christmas was earlier last year” (sic)?? Phil and Jane entertained in the evening having returned from Cervinia. They had managed to get one of their car windows stuck open in the process though. However they had not reckoned on the techno-nerdmanship of Miles and Nick who enjoy such challenges and managed to get the window shut again with the help of a head torch, gaffer tape and dental floss. Feeling disproportionately satisfied by this exercise they enjoyed the meal with a warm glow of smugness. After dinner the festivities continued with a trip to one of the local bars with certain members of the party managing to keep going until 6 am.

On Christmas day Andy and Miles had a latish start not getting to the slopes until midday and Cheryl finally put in an appearance by mid-afternoon. Nick and Clare showed up for their final lessons and had excellent clear conditions and empty slopes, no doubt due to the previous night’s festivities. Andy eventually started skiing late in the morning where he was joined by Jane. Jane complained about a sore leg and then suddenly at one innocuous turn she collapsed in pain. The French mountain rescue service swung efficiently into operation and she was quickly helicoptered to hospital in Chamonix where a broken tibia was diagnosed. This was eventually deemed to be in need of an operation so she was moved to the larger hospital at Salanche. Meanwhile Nick and Clare had been happily skiing around oblivious to this disaster and only found out about it when Andy finally made his way back to Argentiere in the afternoon. Skiing folded up for the day fairly soon after that and preparations were started for the Christmas dinner, ably cooked by Miles. This was enjoyed by all involved despite the obvious concern for Jane in hospital. Phil spent a lonely Christmas night on his own in the Ibis hotel in Salanche, having chosen to stay near the hospital rather than to come back to Argentiere.

Boxing day was the final skiing day and to make a change from Argentiere Nick, Clare, Cheryl, Miles and Andy went through to Courmayeur where the appeal lay variously in super thick hot chocolate (Clare and Cheryl) and a wider variety of pistes (Nick, Andy and Miles). Nick by dint of diligent practice and kaleidoscope of bruises had attained a snowboarding proficiency that kept him well above the embarrassment threshold by this stage.

Saturday was the day to pack up and leave. Nick, Clare, Cheryl and Andy cleaned and scrubbed their Chalet efficiently and were all packed up to rendez-vous with Miles and Phil in the other Chalet at 8.30. However, when they arrived it was obvious that the other Chalet was in a complete mess. It really looked as if it had been burgled without the benefit of anything having been removed. Eventually by dint of everyone pitching in the Chalet was cleaned and cars packed. Then everyone went to Salanche to visit Jane before finally going home. Jane’s accident had complicated the situation somewhat because Phil doesn’t have a driving license so the plan was for him to stay in Salanche and then he fly home on the Monday. The car would be repatriated by the insurance coverage. Jane appeared quite chipper in hospital having been told that she would be skiing again in 6 months though where exactly she would be skiing in June was less clear. After this visit a brisk 7 hours of toll roads brought the walking wounded back to Calais and hence to the UK.