Well old girl, that's the bunks in.

It was lucky they had that riot at Llareggub jail last week, we got all those damaged bunks for free.

Aah, you don't know me as well as you should my dear, luck had nothing to do with it.

Oh Dai, been up to your old tricks again? You are a devil sometimes! And your idea of putting the mattresses through the sheep dip to get the stains out worked a treat.

Came up a lovely purple colour too, let's just hope no one is allergic to strong phosphates.

Now why have all those pillows got teeth marks on them?

Ask Myfanwy when she gets back from the abattoir.

Oh, I see, now what are we going to do about the showers, that old milking parlour is in a dreadful state?

Well I got a couple of shower pans from the skip by the prison but I still need to get some electric showers and curtains and what not.

You're not spending good money on curtains are you? I can run them up myself from old fertiliser sacks.

I like your thinking Bronwyn, now how are we going to put some showers in? And how can we stop folk running up our electricity bill by taking long hot showers.

Well we can't stop people using the showers if they want to.

Ah, but we can stop them wanting to!

What do you mean?

Well if we make the showers so horrible nobody will want to use them so they won't run up the electricity.

Well if that's the case why don't we just put hot and cold taps there but just connect them both to the cold?

Brilliant! I'll make sure the door doesn't shut properly too, that should quash their enthusiasm for showering.

Right, bedrooms done, shower done what about the common room?

Well we need a sofa, what about moving that one in?

Oh but that's Nana's sofa you know how she loves it.

But look at the state of it, the springs are broken, the stuffing's coming out, and Nana's been dribbling and eating on it ever since she retired, never mind her little accidents!

Well I though she deserved a new sofa anyway, think how pleased she'll be.

Oh I think your right Dai, best sheepdog we ever had, she's worth it!

Now about the kitchen, we need a cooker.

Well we've got that old electric cooker you insisted on tearing out of your dad's council flat after he died.

It's what he would have wanted, yeah lets use that.

But doesn't it have to be properly installed and everything by an electrician?

Use an electrician, no, no, I can do that.

But mightn't it be dangerous for the residents?

So?

OK point taken, now what about a name?

Well we don't want to call it anything associated with us and the farm because we may have to change it if we get a bad reputation, besides Grotty Hollow Farm isn't a good name anyway. Also, we should use a Welsh name because the English seem to like that.

How about Crau Trallwng?

The Boggy Pigsty eh? Well if we call it that no one can get us under the Trades Description Act!

Brilliant! Now what about the marketing?

Don't worry Rodrig lent me the whole of the first series of The Apprentice on DVD, after watching that I should know all about it.